i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
