Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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