What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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