...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize