So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
