Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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