I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
