My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
