just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How external is "for external use only"?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
