ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Randomize
