new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize