Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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