if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
