if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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