he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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