im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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