I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
