Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
