Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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