I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I have feelings that need drinking.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
