I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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