There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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