I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
