I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
