you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
