Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
