I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
