Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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