You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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