nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
