I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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