they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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