Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
