You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Damn victory sex feels great
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
