Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize