Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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