my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
