The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
