Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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