Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
