Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
