There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
