Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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