Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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