see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I deserve this hangover.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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