How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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