i think my tv is drunk
wanna go halves on a baby?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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