i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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