Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
