the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
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