She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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