We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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