if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
