there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize