He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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