I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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