Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
