i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
bring money and cleavage
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
